Fraudulent feelings....
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It has been said that God answers one of 3 ways, Yes, No and Not Yet. If that is the case, in just one week’s time I have experienced all three.
Yes- In healing my father-in-law from a post surgical pulmonary embolism
No- In the death of a 24 year old girl who was one of my former students
Not Yet- In the unsuccessful organ transplant of my nephew
For obvious reasons, this has been a wildly difficult week.
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I would be dishonest if I allowed you to believe that my faith has not been tested. I would be a liar if I told you that I fully trusted God with each of these outcomes and I wasn’t angry and hurt. The truth is that the enemy has shown his ugly face this week and I have entertained his banter far more than I ever imagined I would. I went to sleep last night with heavy guilt, feeling like a complete fraud. I pray powerful and effective prayers, trusting God on behalf of all my people daily. I read His word and have a strong grasp on who He is. Yet, when I find myself on a roller coaster I never wanted to be on… I completely crumble under the weight of the uncertainty. How quickly I turned my back on the one who loves me most. How easily I question his goodness and if he really is at all truthful.
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But in the sweetest way, just like God always does, He lifted my head and reminded me of this…
“I AM good even when you don’t see it. My ways ARE better even when things aren’t as you wish they were. I am HOLY and all knowing and just, I am just. My timing is perfect…absolutely perfect. I know it is painful, I am grieving with you. I feel your hurt… the consequences of sin killed my son. Oh do I know your hurt. My plan is unfolding just as I intended. Sweet girl, how I wish you could see things from my perspective.”
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Sweet girl… don’t throw away all you and God have because of difficult times. You are not a fraud, you are a lover of Jesus working out your emotions. He isn’t surprised by your response to difficulty, even when you are angry with him. He still holds you and was actually holding you before you even knew ALL these things were coming. Put your head down, dig into the word, worship & cry. You WILL survive this moment, this day and even this year, by the grace of God alone.
